Is this enough

Hi,

Even though i strongly believe in Karma and have faith in god, sometimes i too start to question- why, what , when?

Over a last couple of months, once in a while, these questions daunt me and make me grab my wallet and go shopping. Question of why do i feel so unsatisfied even though i have an amazing family, a good job and lots of friends; what is that one thing  ( or more) that is missing to make me feel complete ; when will this void be filled.

People keep telling me that this void is an indication that i should get married, but i know that that;s the last thing i want, or is it? Why is it so important for a girl to get married to feel complete? And from i have observed and experienced, this thought is not imposed on women, but women tend to feel secure only when they have a man their lives; the same man who hurts her over and over again at multiple stages in life, in different ways, different forms.

Women today is going places, working, thinking like a man already. Infact, women are more successful managers as compared to their male counterparts. They are educated, and self sufficient. So am I. I can afford Giordano, Armani and Apple now.. i have them all..  I am intelligent and i can do wonders with numbers and analytics. I am honest, loyal confident and very romantic about eveything in life. Then why do i have this constant need of getting approved by a man.

Is it true, no matter how much strong a woman be, she does need a man to hug her and assure her that she is doing a good job.. Is having being able to shop till you drop enough, or a woman needs a man to hold her hand, when she is about to trip on the escalator..

Makes me wonder.... Aargh need a chocolate now!

Good night

Faith

Hi,

Been long since i visited you. A lot has changed since then, i finished my studies, started working.. basically i am all grown up now, or so to say. i know i should have come to you more often, but trust me, i had never forgotten you.

Today is Holi, the colorful holiday of North India, where people play all kinds of pranks with colors, water and sometimes both. While coming back from office, i saw so many people covered in pink and blue. i was a little extra cautious on the roads too, to save myself from getting hit by a water balloon. To top it all, being a long weekend, this time with Good Friday and Easter, everyone is planning get-aways, or getting away from financial year ending hussle-bussle.

All these events  reminded me of how much has changed since the last Holi, in FY12. Those days of my life were the most traumatic days of my entire life. Not only was I 9 months old in my first job, trying to get a hold of business, i was surrounded by some devils ( read bosses) who were sucking every ounce of blood from my body.. And Holi was the day, when i broke down completely, because i was tired of working 18 hours a day and getting politically played at by my own bosses. just the thought of going to office would make me sick. A year has passed since those days, but this incident and many more incidents in my first year of working, left a deep and a lasting impact on my personality. But, if i look at the bigger picture, everything did balance-out for good.

I am an ardent believer of Karma, and over the last 2 years working as a professional my belief in this way of living has grown even stronger. infact, if we all look at the bigger picture including petty politics, and ruthless competition, everything that happens in our life, happens for a good reason.

Good incidents happen to bring happiness and the turbulent ones happen to make us learn and improve, while you are in the pursuit of happiness. All we need to have is FAITH that in the longer run, everything will balance out. You will not get anything more than what you need, and before you need it.

So, do your duties righteously, tell your family and friends that you love them, and have immense faith, in God, more so in YOURSELF.

And a day with you..

Such things are not to be mentioned in the blog post. But i'm gonna do it..
Well i'm not writing what all happened. Its just that, after like 9 months, i again felt protected. Earlier, it was dad with whom i never felt vulnerable. i knew he would protect me from every danger, do all the thinking. I would follow him Blindly. Then, Varun came, a friend who made me feel the same. Protected. Varun was someone i could share my deepest secretes with. Some one i could trust blindly. Follow, Blindly. But he was a bit diferent from dad.. he was someone special... close to my heart, a part of all my fantasies.
But the journey continued. . Dad went away for work. Varun went away for studies. I was all on my own, when you came along. I dont know when exactly you, from just another person, became a friend, then a special friend , then .. well a best friend. Some how, when i am with you, I dont think coz i believe that you'll do the thinking just like dad. Someone who'l take care of the smallest of the trouble. Protect me from all the odds. And yesterday, when you kinda reacted on the way some guys were checking me out, I felt beautiful. Like someone is there to literally protect me. Some one is there who really cares. I couldnot stop smiling since then.....
Nilay, I dont know about you, but i know that you are one of my best, NO, bestest friend.. :D
I wish you could stay with me forever.. :-)

A conversation with You

He: How have you been lady?
Me: fine .
He: Hmm. What happened?
Me: I dunno. All the trouble n stuff. bad time never seem to go.
He: Hmm . <> What is happiness to you, Neha?
Me: Oh so even you are asking me this question. I was the one who asked it to everybody i know :P <>
He: So , what answers did you get? What is happiness to everybody/
Me: Something or the other, For someone its being with the one they love, for someone its doing something good, for someone its " everything".
He: So, what is happiness to you Neha?
Me: <> I dont know. Its been long. You know.
He: Think about it, you were the one who claimed that nothing can hurt you ever..
Me: Hmm may be i Was wrong. There are things that hurt me. First you made you made me meet cunning people who betrayed my trust. Then you took everyone I loved away from me, Mummy , Esha, Varun. And now you are making me go through all this trouble.
He: Neha, have you been a good girl?
Me: No
He: Do you deserve a punishment?
Me: I guess .
He: Hmm. Neha, Life has been a game for you. You laughed at everything i gave you. Took my every blessing Lightly. i have always been on your side. have always sheilded you from trouble. And what did you do, you became naughty.
Me: Hmm
He: So, as a part of ur punishment i will take your strengths away. I will take away your power to smile and be happy. Now struggle, struggle for life. Struggle for everything that you want. Life will not be a game anymore.
Me: Ok. Sir <>

I feel dead these days. I dont feel happy from within. What has happened to me? Everything seems so blurr. Now i am just Waiting.....

A small initiative..

Yeah i know i dont blog very frequently. But, since last two days i have doing something small yet so good ( actualy it makes me feel good), that i thought of putting it up on my Blog. :-)

Yesterday, when I was driving to the my coaching institute for CAT '08 T.I.M.E Noida, a thought struck into my mind ( as usual). A dear freind of mine, Nilay had told me some time back , that if Delhi turns the car off when on the redlight of more then 12 secs, it can save some thousand crores rupees every year. And thats it.! From yesterday on, i promised my self to save a tranche of that money, by turning off my car, whenever required.
And then i thought, how to make everyone standing on the redlight, to do the same. What to do.. Would it take a strong Human Resource Management skill, or a Fabulous markteting strategy or Just a creative advertisment to influence people to save money, petrol, and at the same time, save environment.
Especially al those people who join communities on orkut, facebook etc to show how they care for environmet, or communities who play the blame game inflation or any other crisis.

I just wanted to share with all of you that it feels great to do something that can help the government and environment in some way. Just it yourself, be the part of this small initiative and you'l know what i mean. :D

Long chats......

Last 2 days have been ok, you know. Weird, but ok. Last to last night, i had a long long chat with one of my good freinds Veni. Chats are good, especialy, when only 2 are involved, ya know. I got to know a lot about him. He is a realy nice person, at heart. He is a great soul, must say. I shared some of my deepest secretes, desires with him. I am pretender, You know. You can never predict whats going on in my mind. And there are only a few people in this world i share my secretes with. Esha, at the top of that list, hehe, then mom. Long time back, when we were freinds, i used ter shared my deepest of the deepest thoughts, with Mayank Misra. great buddy he was, good freind. Kinda missing him now. Anyways, i talked a lot to Veni and felt so better. Light. After a long time, i could trust someone :-). Yesterday, certain things happened, issues that i cannot handle. Issues, that scare me to death. ! And again, there he was, Veni , to help me. I was very scared to share the thing with him. I was scared of loosing a freind, again, just because i am not mature enough.

We chatted again, he did magic again, made me smile, :-). After a long time, i wasnot feeling lonely, the feeling that has been haunting me since the day i got the news that everybody is going abroad, leaving me , alone.

Then, when it was least expected, my toy came online ;P. hehe. Nilay. I chatted with him too.. It was fun. I just love pulling his leg, bugging him. I always tell him every nautanki that i do . :D . He is a complete geek, the only geek i have fun with. He shared his photos, and some videos, well , only one video, that shouldn be on the net ;P./m\. he is very difficult to understand. But could figure out one thing in the 5 hour chat, he is very egoistic and fractious.!!

In my 3 years of college life, I have lost some of my great buddies, on chats. But i have made one, and never will lose, Veni. :-) Love You buddy :-) thanks for being there.

My Multiprocessor...

In the evening today, i went to play on the jungle gym , right behing the place i live. I was the only one there at that time.. Everybody was probably busy in their own work or on their vacation, some package tour, perhaps. I was on the swing, a lot of thoughts bubbling in my mind. Well, my mind is never at rest. Either its busy making some silly/goofy jokes, wondering, or busy making strategies ( sometimes calculating). So, where was I, yeah, while i was on the swing, when the warm wind was blowing my hair , I was just looking around, at the houses near by, at the road, at the green grass. Everything was quite. No movements, apart from a few birds jumping roof to roof, Beautiful they were.. :-) I saw 2 "2 for joys" on one of the roof, they were kissing, making love, making the most out of the privacy they had at that time . The grass was pure green, soft, wet. Sprinklers were on, throwing water. Water drops along with the light from the setting sun made 3 most beautiful colors, blue, yellow, red. It was like a tiny rainbow standing there to say hello. Occasionaly, i could see huge SUVs on the black clean road, or some kids on their bikes, or an old man with his pet dog on the foot path. In that beautiful silence, my mind started speaking to me.

Everytime, i think of my future, i always see myself living in a beautiful bunglow at the countryside. Advanced technicaly, but simple, like a 9 year old child, innocent, free from any tension. Where there is a big lawn at the front and the back of every house. Where children come out in the evening on their bikes or skates, shout with joy, the screams of happyness that seem like a music to the ears. Where the big guys come out and play their favourite sports and girls as talkative as they are , talk, smile, look beautiful. Where working dads and mom come home on time, and sit for a cup of tea in their lawns, talk to their partners about their day, watch their child playing, growing up. I was wondering, if this dream of mine will ever come true...

When everybody i know is busy preparing for the entrances, or busy doing their training or scoring 1380 in GRE, i was on the jungle gym, swinging, and "day dreaming", this was the next thought that came up. But then i promised to myself, that after going back, I wld study and prepare myself to face the entrances, that i had only a few more days, so i would live them to the fullest, enjoy every minute of them, without thinking of anyone, especially those scoring 99 in their mock cats. :P.

And then i was thinking of my freinds. How i wishd they could see this jungle gym and play with me, laugh with me. I was trying to figure out what they could be doing then. "Sakshi must be taking some rest, after aimcat and a long drilling session of cat classes. Geetika must be trying her hands out on guitar, Shipra must be enjoying with family, Shambhavi must be counting days now, Yuvraj must be on his bike, roaming around on the streets, and Veni and Nilay must be invisible on gtalk, debating about whether to go " hardware or software" this time :P. lol " Then i thought i didn't log my self out of gtalk, Angad must have pinged, and must have gone mad since he got no reply ;P. And then it came to me, if all of them were here, how Nilay and Veni would have made faces, cracked silly jokes, made fun of me. And then i thought, i would blog today about this.

Then, from between the 2 houses came a maid, and behind her was the thing she had to take care of. A small child. He din kno my language, and seemed too young to go to school and learn english. He was on a tiny tricycle, red and yellow in color, a flag hoisted on one of its handle, that said "No.1". When he saw me, he smiled, i thought must be wondering " Such tall girl on children's jungle gym. funny!", and yeah all that in his own "gaga gu gu gi gi". Anyways, he climbed on the slide, went up and down a couple of times. And left me wondering some more. How these kids no matter what language they speak, no matter what parents they belong, are same, think the same "gaga guu guu", call water "mumm mumm". And then when they grow up, they learn to speak, to use words like "fck" in every sentence they say, to disrespect their mum or dad or both so that they could go and hang out some more. How these angels, slowly and gradualy, turn into demons. After a while, while i still was on the swing, he left on tricycle, again, i was alone, in the middle of the green grass, facing the setting sun, watching the birds now flying back to their nests.

I again started thinking, now, of something else. I thought its been long since anyone treated me like a lady, since i felt like a lady. I was thinking of romance. I was thinking of someone, who would send me cute msgs every morning, who would email me simple and short msgs, ending with a small heart, who would sing a song, who would tell me that he loved my smile or probably do anything very special to make me feel special.. Make me feel beautiful.............. I closed my eyes and started feeling someone looking at me with eyes oh so deep and filled with love, care, promising me to take care of me, love me forever.................

I was on the swing, wind, now cool and soothing, was blowing my hair, touching my face. Now the sprinklers were off, and even the sun was replaced by the silvery moon.. a few stars scattered here n there.. i thought what algorithm god must be using to save these stars, so many in numbers, so scattered.. Grass that was green in the sun, turned grayish. It was telling me to go back.. I stopped the swing. My legs were aching a bit, i was on the swing for a long time... i stood up, and started walking back.. to the reality........